| — | A coworker to our library director after using the director’s keys to put new popcorn in our storage closet. He is currently reading A Clash of Kings. (via featherloom) |
I sometimes feel like I’m not any true, whole person but rather a series of masks and personas meant for different audiences. My Youth Services Librarian has commented that two-thirds of our job as youth librarians is actually performance - getting your bluff in with the kids and putting on a show…
So, I read this post earlier and I couldn’t fit my response into the text limit for comments. I also often feel like I only present masks of myself. To be honest every time I try to think about what “the real me” might be, I fall into a dizzying thought-loop and end up just feeling super confused. I’ve always been interested in the gap between how I think of myself versus who others see me as being. I know there’s a difference and it makes me wonder about how my own views of people might differ from their self-perceptions. The post also made me think about something that has been very much at the forefront of my mind recently. I’ve been extremely bothered by how much I feel like it is implied, or in many cases overtly stated, that it is necessary to deny or censor ourselves in order to succeed. I can see the logic in that. I’m not naive enough to think that we aren’t being judged, but I fervently believe that we shouldn’t have to hide ourselves. I hate that sometimes when I say things that I personally think are fairly tame, I am greeted by shocked expressions or just by embarrassed looks. It’s made me second guess my choices a lot lately(in terms of whether or not I’m on the correct path for me). I’m not sure that I want to work somewhere that makes me feel like I have to be someone that I’m not, or that makes me feel like suppressing yourself should be the norm. I have no idea what to do about that. Then again, most of my frustrations are coming from what school is telling me that the “real world” is like. All of my practical experience directly contradicts this. I guess I’m just going to ramble along blindly, wallow in my ever-increasing student loan debts, and continue being me(whoever the fuck that guy is). Everyone else can just deal with it. If I don’t end up fitting well on the path I’m on, I’ll just jump to another. What the hell, right? What’s that acronym? YOLO? FROYO? Fuck it, it’s lame either way. Let’s all just do some shit and say some shit and see what happens.
YOU: Dude!! This place is massive! Seriously, this is fucking incredible. Okay…okay. I’m calm. It’s cool. I’m ready for the tour.
ARCHITECT: Well, we’ll start off with the entrance hall—
YOU: —HOLY SHIT THERE’S AN ENTRANCE HALL!!! Okay, sorry. I’m cool. Please continue.
ARCHITECT: Beyond the next set of doors, you will find the central chamber of the first floor. It features a series of beautiful crystalline pools and is adorned with mosaics depicting the defeat of a god of infinite darkness.
YOU: Uhhh, okaaayyy. The pools sound pretty bad ass. I guess the mosaics could be cool too. It’s a little weird that you went with…
ARCHITECT: The defeat of the evil god motif? Yes, we debated a bit about that as well. Don’t worry, though. There are plenty of other works that focus more specifically on his exquisite savagery and unending might on the second floor. Now, shall we proceed?
YOU: Yeeaahh. Yeah, why not? Let’s check this shit out.
[AWKWARD PAUSE]
YOU: Sorry, I think the door is stuck.
ARCHITECT: Hahaha, oh no sir. We wouldn’t dream of having you do anything so common as using a doorknob. To continue on from here you must slay the cyclops, tear out its eye, and insert it into the mystic pedestal.
[Your conversation is interrupted by a roar so deep and primal that you can feel it vibrate your very bones]
YOU: WHAT THE SHIT?? WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!
ARCHITECT: Oh, I would hope not. The boys and I really put a lot of effort into the master bath. We thought you’d really enjoy all the amenities. Especially after vanquishing the pillar of sentient despair which bars the entrance. You’d really need a good wash after that, I can tell you.
